‘Out of wedlock'

Many of us are familiar with the strong word that is often used to describe children born out of wedlock. Many of us have used that word to put down our parents and children, our teachers and employers, politicians, government officials and even Vicars. The list is quite long.

Some years ago, when Anne and I were thinking about a career change for me, we were taken to one of the huge Victorian mental hospitals close to Epsom Race Course in Surrey . The purpose of the visit was to show us an aspect of Vicar-work that most people are fortunate not to see.

Some of the female patients we met were in their 80's and 90's. We did not have to ask why they were there; we were told that these women had been incarcerated as young people. Their act of lunacy was to conceive and give birth to children out of wedlock. Now, in their twilight years, these women could not be released as they had become institutionalised. They depended on the hospital to provide for their every need.

During my 21 years as a clergyman I have come across people from many types of family. Many of these have been children whose parents have not been married. Some of the parents have married after childbirth, others have remained unmarried. Some of the parents have been single parents, as their other half has left to leave the other to bring up the child single handed.

One of the most popular songs at All Saints' at the time of my arrival was one by Graham Kendrick – ‘The King is amongst us'. GK gave us the lyric – ‘For each child is special, accepted and loved;' I must assume that Kendrick had been reading his Bible and Psalm 139 where the writer says to God: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

On many occasions I have been asked to Baptize illegitimate children. I have always done so willingly, with pleasure and delight. One reason for doing this is that every child needs to know it is accepted and loved, whilst it is in its mother's womb and after birth. The essential bonding between mother and child is not going to happen if the mother is told – ‘That's awful. You should have known better!' The announcement of an impending birth is a time for congratulation and love in great abundance.

A very good friend told me recently that he was an illegitimate child. He told me of the massive dent to his self-esteem when he was told the circumstances of his birth. That stigma stayed with my chum and has affected him all through his life. Now approaching retirement, my friend says that human love and affection such as that found in only some churches reflect God's love and affirmation of every living being.

Church people have sometimes been renowned for putting down other people. We do that by asserting that other people's faults are an opportunity for outcry, whilst our own are of little consequence. We ignore that teaching of Jesus to refrain from judging other people, lest we should find ourselves being judged. (Matthew 7: vv1-5) May God forgive us for inflicting even more damage on innocent people.

One thing I have learned in 21 years of Vicaring, is that our God is a God of mercy and compassion. Jesus said, ‘Whoever comes to me I will never drive away.' Whether it's forgiveness and healing that you need, or just lots of love with or without a big hug, I hope you'll find it in Church Lawton at All Saints' Church. Beyond any shadow of doubt, you will find those things in and through Jesus.

Graham Joyce